Funny Christmas Quotes

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ~ Emma Bombeck

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~ Bill Watterson in Calvin and Hobbes

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~ Unknown

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Frank McKinney Kin Hubbard

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Unknown

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. ~ Phyllis Diller

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. ~ Dick Gregory

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. ~ Dave Barry

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. ~ Henry Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. ~ Garrison Keillor

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: 'Toys not included.' ~ Bernard Manning

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~ Victor Borge