|Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone|
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Free Clean Christmas Jokes
Enjoy a good clean Christmas jokes, whatever time of year it is!
Is Santa a Man?
How do we really know that Santa is a man? Because no woman would ever wear the same outfit year after year.
Holiday Office Memo
To: All Employees
The following rules which originate from FROLIC (Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council) are to be implemented immediately.
P.S. Have an enjoyable Christmas season.
Three Wise Women
What difference would it make if there were Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? Well, they would have:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow a set of antlers in the spring. Reindeer are the only members of the deer family to have the females grow antlers.
Females do not loose their antlers until spring, but male reindeer loose them by early December. Therefore, all of Santa's reindeer, including Rudolf, have to be females.
Three Wise Firemen
I heard that the nativity scenes in the Deep South were a little different. Their Wise Men wear firemen's hats.
Not understand why, one time while driving through the South during the Christmas season, I stopped at the local restaurant. While there, I asked the waitress about it. She said, "Well, that's what the bible says."
"Really?" I asked. "Where does it say that?"
She pulled out her bible to show me, and you know what? She was right. The Wise Men came from afar.
Did You Know This About Santa's Elves?
Santa's elves are actually subordinate Clauses.
When they are making toys, they sing "Love Me Tender." That's why we call them Santa's little Elvis.
They think that all the work they do getting ready for Christmas is just like a day at the office. They do all the work but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. Not only that, but anytime he wants to, Santa could give them the sack.
A group of elves have banded together and started a rebellion to protest the terrible working conditions. They call themselves the Santanistas. They just want higher elf esteem.
Santa's Chimney Woes
What's red and white and black all over?
Santa has a fear of getting stuck in the chimney. It's called Santa Claus-trophobia.
If Santa gets stuck in the chimney, you can get him out by pouring Santa Flush on him.
Sometimes Santa will fall down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz.
Santa goes up and down so many chimneys that he's thinking of getting a yearly flue shot?
What do you get if there is a fire in the fireplace when Santa goes down the chimney?
More Funny Christmas Jokes
When do you stop believing in Santa Claus? When you start getting clothes for Christmas.
It was near Christmas and Clyde and Sam decided to build an ice skating rink in the middle of their pasture. A shepherd happened to be leading his flock nearby and decided to take a shortcut across the frozen field. But the sheep were afraid of the ice and wouldn't go onto it. The shepherd became frustrated and began tugging them along to the other side.
"Look at that," said Clyde. "That guy's trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.
Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you."
"That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandma's house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers.
As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."
His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf."
"I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."
The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.
"That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store was open."
A Simple Request
"Here's a Christmas request I can't give," Santa said to Mrs. Claus.
"Why not?" asked Mrs. Claus.
"Here, read the letter."
Will you please bring me some crocodile shoes for Christmas?
"But you have lots of crocodile shoes," said Mrs. Claus. "Why can't you give him a pair?"
"Because he didn't tell me what size his crocodile wears."
Santa and his reindeer need to be really quiet when they deliver presents so no one will know they are there.
One Christmas Eve when they landed on a roof top, there was a loud, "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."
"Shhh," said Santa and he proceeded to get out of the sleigh.
Once again, louder this time, there was a "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."
Dogs began to bark in the neighborhood. "Shhh," Santa said again, "Stop doing that."
He started to lift his sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, even louder. "SNORT, SNORT, SNIFF, HONK, HONK, SNIFF."
Lights came on all over the neighborhood. Some people opened their windows and stuck out their heads trying to see where the noise came from.
Horrified, Santa jumped back in the sled and flew off to the North Pole. When he got there, he lined up all the reindeer and said, "OK, we are not going to deliver any more presents until the reindeer who is trying to be funny by making those noises confesses and apologizes."
He waited. No reindeer came forward.
"I know who it is," said Santa. He held up a piece of paper. "I've written your name here and I will read it. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing,"
Still no reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer.
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